I'm writing today, to talk about my experience with miscarriage. I want to be honest and open to possibly help someone who has or currently is going through the pain of such a loss...
I know they say miscarriage is common, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, no matter what stage of the pregnancy.
Back in May of 2016, we took a home pregnancy test and to our surprise it was positive! We were excited that our little family of 3 was going to be a family of 4! But honestly, our first thought was...we need to get a place of our own! (we're currently living with my parents)
I excitedly called to schedule an appointment with my midwife to confirm the pregnancy. I was about 4 weeks at the time. And of course, we had to wait until 8 weeks to confirm.
I patiently waited...sort of.
It took everything in me not to tell my mom. Even more so because my grandmother (her mom), who was living with us, was going through late stages of Alzheimer's and this would have been a good bit of news to uplift our family. But we wanted to wait for the confirmation.
2 weeks went by and I started to feel a bit of cramping followed by a bit of blood.
Initially, I only thought it was implantation symptoms, but then the bleeding never stopped and the cramping got a little worse, but it was never unbearable.
So I still held out for hope.
3 days later, I was still bleeding and it was heavier and darker than when it started, and that's when my heart knew I was miscarrying. But my head didn't want to accept it. So I googled to see if other mom went through this but still had a healthy baby. Some said yes, and some said no.
I called the doctor to get checked on and the next day I went into they drew some blood. I unfortunately, had to wait the entire weekend to get blood drawn again to see if my HGC level were going up or down. Not only that I had to wait an entire week to get the results back.
It felt like the longest wait of my life!
The results came in and they confirmed a miscarriage. And to add salt to my wound, the nurses told us that my grandmother was slipping away. We only had about a week left to say our goodbyes. It was a lot to deal with at once.
My husband and I kept everything to ourselves for months. With everything going on we didn't one to add one more thing of sad news to the pile. This is the first time we are going public with our story. Only a few people knew what we were going through. I didn't want people to feel awkward around me because I knew that even though I was hurting, God was comforting me.
And to be completely honest, I didn't think that deserved to grieve.
I mean, I was barely 6 weeks and I've known mothers who struggle to conceive, gone through multiple miscarriages, and have gone through way worse than me. I've never had any of those issues.
I now know the pain of losing someone that I never had the chance to meet.
I missed out on the person he/she could've been. I missed out on getting to hold him, kiss him, and love him. I missed out on of seeing his face; seeing who he looks like more. I missed out on seeing Jeremiah interacting and playing with his sibling, and the two of them becoming best friends.
Was it my fault? Was is something I did or didn't do?
I didn't understand why we had to go through this. But I chose not to dwell on the why's, what if's and whose fault. Those are answers I will never get, so I didn't waste my time. Instead, I spent more time in prayer and thanking God for what I did have. And each day it hurt a little less.
I still miss our baby, but I'm thankful for the love surrounding me and the rainbow that is now growing inside of me that allows me to keep moving forward.
I can't say that healing can come as quickly or easily for others, this is just my story and I wanted to share it. Hopefully, it helps, or at the very least lets women who have experienced the pain of miscarriage that they are not alone. Seek help if you need to, or talk to someone who understands...
There is always a rainbow after the storm...you just have to be patient and look in the right place because it may not be where or what you think it should be.